Thoughts

There has been a lot going on in the adoption online community lately that has me thinking about things. There were some blog wars between birth moms who had different views. One group is more anti-adoption and feel they were forced to place and the other group feels they made the choice. Both voices need to be heard. I think that both parties can learn from each other and support one another. I had always heard about bad adoption stories and anti-adoption but I had never read any of the blogs or stories till this last week. My heart goes out to these women who feel they were forced, cohered, manipulated into placing their child. I wish them the best and hope they will find peace and comfort.

I have always felt that I made the choice to place my son for adoption. I did what I felt was best for him. I wanted him to have a loving father and mother. I wanted him to have an eternal family he could be sealed to. I wanted him to have a stable life where everything he needed would be taken care of: food, clothes, love, shelter. I know I could have single parented but that I would have been on government assistance. I don't know if I would have gone to school. I'm sure I wouldn't have married my husband as he told me he would not have dated someone who was raising a kid. I have been asking myself what if questions since reading the "anti-adoption blogs" like what if I would have parented? Would I have still gone in the medical field? Would I have been able to provide for my sons needs? How would my life be different if I had kept my son? I don't know and I will never know. The decision has been made and can't be changed. I know that my son is happy, healthy and loved. I am happy for the life that he has. I know that I couldn't have given him what he has.

I have been having a hard time this week. I keep thinking about how if someone is married nothing is questioned about if they should raise their child but if you are single people start suggesting alternatives. I wonder if I was really cohered in my decision now. I know my family didn't because they were for me parenting but support me in placing my son. I wonder more about the agency i went through. I wanted to single parent at first. I wanted to research my options. I was given a "Think it over doll." I was given a bunch of questions to answer to find if i had support, money, means of parenting. Married couples don't have to go through this they just get to raise their child if they are ready or not if they are financially stable or not no questions asked. I don't really think anyone is ever ready to raise a child. You just have to do what you can. I guess I'm just hurt and upset. I wish I would have done more research of my resources. I'm not saying I would change my decision. I did what I felt was best at the time.

I saw this quote on an adoption blog I follow and it helped a lot. Especially after all the fighting back in forth on birth my blogs.
"Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss
We need to stand up for what we believe in and how we feel. Each has a voice that needs to be heard.

About 3 months ago one of my cousins lost their 4 month old son to SIDS. This loss has really effected me and so many in my family. My cousins have shown so much courage and strength through this trial. They have a strong testimony of the church and being able to be with their son again some day. They just recently found out they are having a baby. At first I thought this was too soon. I worried for the couple as they are still grieving. I hear often of losing a child to adoption compared to losing a child to death. I at first did not like this analogy because I have an open adoption. I get to have letters, pictures and sometimes visits. I do understand more now that the grief and loss is very much the same. I feel for my cousin. I understand some of their pain and loss. I pray for them. This is a quote from their blog that really touched me and I feel the same way.
"we have truly begun moving forward with our lives. Not moving on, but forward. Because losing a child isn't something you get over, but something you get through. It is one of those defining moments that will forever shape who we are and who we will become." from cousin Jeffrey and Kelli's blog
I am not the same person I was before I placed my precious son. He changed my life, my decision changed my life. I want to stay happy about my choice but this week has been hard. This week I've felt doubt and loss, hurt and anger and confusion. I don't want to doubt my decision when I have been so solid in it. That is how I feel in the moment. Maybe this is a new stage of grieving of healing.... The end of next month marks 6 years and it's always hard around this time. I miss my son. I think of him often. I love him so much. I hope that he knows what I did was what I felt was best for him, not me. I don't want him to feel abandoned. I wanted him. I still do.

I have been "baby hungry" on and off since getting married. I know now is not the right time because I don't have a job, health problems etc. I remember feeling the need to have a child in my arms after placing. I felt empty arms for a long time. I know that is something my cousin feel after the loss of their son. I understand now that it is a blessing that they will have a child again so soon after. I understand the fears of loving a new child again when you are still grieving for another. I have fears and doubts myself about raising a child because of my loss. They are two separate beings though and I know that love grows. They will be able to love their new child and I'm sure I will be able to love my future children too. I often get jealous when I hear of family members getting pregnant. I want to be a mom so bad. I don't want to be jealous of them when it is such a blessing and miracle to my family.

This Christmas I was in Utah with my family. My brother Andy has a 7 month old daughter. I played with her a lot while I was there. She is such a doll. It is hard for me sometimes to be around young children under the age of 1. It reminds me of what I am missing in raising my son. I missed all his firsts. I kept teasing my brother and his wife that I was going to take her back with me. One night my brother said "You wouldn't last one night with a baby." I said: "yes I would I have." he replied: "yeah only two nights." I don't know if he realized how much those words hurt me. I left the room and cried. I may have only had a short time with my son but that doesn't not change my love for him. How much I miss him and that I know how to take care of a child.

Those are my thoughts and feelings of the last few weeks.