poem: The Legacy of a Child in an Open Adoption

The Legacy of a Child in an Open Adoption

By Brenda Romanchick

Once there were two expectant mothers.
One carried and cared for you beneath her beating heart
She became your Birthmother.
The other carried the hope of you within her.
She became your Mom.
As the days passed, and you grew bigger and stronger,
Your Birthmother knew that she could not give you all you needed after
your birth.
Meanwhile, your Mom was ready and waiting for you.

One day your Birthmom and your Mom found each other.

They looked into each other’s eyes and saw a friend.
Your Birthmom saw the life your Mom could give you.
Your Mom saw how much your Birthmom loved and cared for you.

They decided that what you needed was both kinds of love in your life.

So now you have two families,
One by birth, the other by adoption.

And you have a home where you can get:
your questions answered,
your boo boos bandaged,
your heartaches soothed,
And much needed hugs.

And a place where you can find:
answers to your questions,
your image in the mirror,
a part of yourself,
And much needed hugs.

Two different kinds of families
Two different kinds of love
Both a part of you.

© Copyright 1999 Brenda Romanchik

Poem

Once there were two women who never knew each other.
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me, through your tears,
the age-old question unanswered through the years.
Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.



© Author Unknown

Childs name:

Some birth moms will have a name for the baby or just a cute nick name they call the baby while they are pregnant. I called my baby Jaden. I didn't think I would be able to name him once I made an adoption plan. I never asked and the couple told me they had a name. They choose his first name after a president of the church and his middle name after the adoptive father. I like his name and it feels right for him.

Poem: My little butterfly

My Little Butterfly

You were finally here,
My little butterfly,
You were place in my arms,
And I couldn’t help but cry.
You were so precious, so beautiful.
Your hands so tiny,
Your eyes so bright,
You were finally here,
And I knew it would be hard
To say goodbye.
I cried for you at night.
How could I let my
Little butterfly go?
Then I thought of the new world
You will see.
Of the loving parents that will
Take care of thee.
And I felt Peace.
You were finally here,
My little butterfly.
And no matter how hard it is,
I must say goodbye.
So, open your wings
And don’t be afraid to fly.
Fly away to a new life.
Where opportunities are
At every door.
And my love around every corner
You were finally here,
My little butterfly.
But, quickly you left
To live your new life.
You’ll always be in my heart.
Your memory in my every thought.
Those tiny hands,
And bright eyes.
I will forever love you.
My little Butterfly.

Shei Crott

This is one of my favorite poems. I was given this poem after placing. I love butterflies and I really liked how this was written.

poem: My Dearest little boy

My Dearest Little Boy
You are only six months old growing inside my womb.
You love to kick your feet at my tummy.
Excited and ready to dance to the music we hear.
You are so active and strong. I know you will be a big boy someday.

I am only 20 years old, without a husband to be your dad, and
Without the resources I’d need to give you everything you would need.
I love you buddy with all my heard, as a child of my own.
Yet all of my unconditional love is not enough.

You need to have a family who can provide a home, food and clothes.
You need to be reared in a home where a mother
Will always be there when ever you need her nurturing hand.
You need to have a father who can be an example to you
Of honoring the priesthood and respecting his wife,
So that you may do the same when you have a family of your own.
You need both a mommy and a daddy.

You need to know of Christ’s love for you
And the knowledge of His gospel plan
You need to be sealed to an eternal family who
Can teach of Christ’s great atoning sacrifice.

So I’ve decided to give you to a couple
Who could not have children of their own.
A couple who can now be an eternal family
Once you enter their arms.

It pains me to go to stores and see clothes,
Toys and baby room decorations
And wishing that I could purchase them
For you and keep you as my own.

I think of all the pain in my heart I’ll have
In watching you grow up in pictures and letters;
I wish I could be there for your first words and your first steps,
Your first game of baseball, skiing, your first date, and
When you become a husband and a father of your own.

So, I pray the Lord will sooth my soul with peace;
And I pray the Lord will guide me in
Choosing the family the Lord has planned
For you to be their son.

As I know that God has a great plan for you-
That you are being sent here to earth
To enrich two families lives
Mine and your adoptive parents.
You are blessed to know of two
Mother’s unconditional love for you.

I love you my dearest little boy,
With all my heart and soul
And I will pray for you everyday
To have that knowledge.

Hugs and kisses
Your birth mother Jennilee
December 2, 2003
Written by Heidi, my sister
Dedicated to Jennilee and her son.

This poem was written for me by my sister. I was struggling with my decision of adoption and how to choose a couple. This was just a couple weeks before I choose my couple.

poem: Remember

REMEMBER
Whenever I hear a baby cry,
My heart reaches out in love for you,
As I remember the days I had with you.

I remember the sweet innocent look in your eyes,
So fresh from God, full of tenderness and love,
Reaching my soul through your eyes to mine.

I remember your sweet baby smell,
The embrace of your tiny hands on my finger,
My hand caressing your cheek,
Rubbing your chest and soothing you to sleep.
I loved lying awake in the wee hours of the morning
Listening to your little noises, your breathes and your coos.

I remember your tender chin quivers as you cried,
Whenever your diaper was being changed.
I remember you falling asleep every time we burped you,
Or when we washed your hair.

I remember your fists in your mouth
And your tongue moving in and out of your sweet pursy lips
Letting me know of your hunger.
Oh, how I ache, in missing the closeness I felt with you
Suckling on my breast and knowing
All your needs were being met by your mother.

I will remember most of all, the love
And quiet special times we had together.
I was so proud when I first saw your face
And I am in heaven with you in my arms.

I will always remember you.
I love you with all my heart

@Jennilee and Heidi
March 19, 2004
Dedicated to my birth son

This poem was written for my birth son. we wrote it at 3 weeks old. We decided to write it since my sister and I would always talk about the hospital time and what we remembered.

Poem: Two Mother's to Love Him

Two Mother’s to Love Him

There was a young girl with child.
She loved him very much,
Even while he grew inside her tummy.
She wanted more for her son then she could give him.
So she prayed to the Lord above,
“God please send me an Angel to care for my son
For my love for this child is not enough.”

Not far away there was a woman.
Hoping and praying to have a child of her own.
She began losing hope of ever being blessed to be somebody’s mother.
Finally, the woman received a precious gift from God.
Telling her a young girl was entrusting her son in her tender care.

The day had arrived, a blustery winter day.
The birth of her precious son
She had never been so happy in her life
When she first saw her son
She felt so much love for him
And did not know how she could let him go.

The two women came together.
It was time, for the woman’s dreams to come true
The young girls heart broke
As she placed her loving child into her arms.
She kissed her son one last time
And said goodbye.

Two separate women shaped to make him one
One gave him life
The other teaches him how to live it.
For their little boy is a part of both of them.

We now have a special bond
Mother to mother
For we share a child one with each other
How much each one has meant to the other
By becoming his mother.

The beautiful boy is blessed
Not with only one mothers love but two
These two women are eternally bonded by motherhood.
And the love they share for their son.

With love, Jennilee
@ April 29, 2004
Dedicated to adoptive mom.

I wrote this poem as a Mother's Day gift for the adoptive mom. This is how I felt at the time. I know feel more like sisters. It's hard to explain the bond between a birth mom and adoptive mom. We will always have a connection though. I love the couple and miss them too. They are like extended family to me. My son will always be a part of me. I'm his first mom. the adoptive mom is his real mom. He knows her as mom not me. they call me by my first name not as birth mom.

Open adoption vs Closed

What is Open adoption? There are many forms of open adoption. It is a lasting relationship with the couple and your child through visits, e-mails, letters, gifts and pictures.

What is Semi-open adoption? The birth mom and couple agree to have correspondence through letters, pictures and sometimes gifts.

What is Closed adoption? There is no contact after the adoption. This is not very common now but was years ago. You can still choose closed adoption if you want.

When I first decided to place I just went with what the agency had available for openness. For the first 6 months (until finalization) the agency would read all letters to make sure that we didn't give confidential information. After finalization the birth mom and couple could decide if they wanted to exchange last names, address, numbers and we could start to email then. We could also decide how often to write and if visits would be allowed. At placement we had agreed to write weekly for the first 6 months. then we went to every other week, once a month, every 3 months, every 6 months and yearly. I don't like yearly since so much can happen in a year. We have had a few visits which I am grateful for. I am also grateful for how often they were willing to write. The letters really helped me when I was struggling. We already knew each others last names, we started to email every once in awhile. We now correspond to each others address since I moved out of state. My caseworker said to me that I had one of the most open adoptions at the time I placed. Now I know they are a lot more open. The adoption is not retroactive though. I am so glad I have an open adoption. It has helped me a lot in the grieving process. I never have to worry where my son is, if he's okay. I know what he looks like and what he's doing. I know that he has great parents. He won't ever have to wonder why I placed him, what I looked like etc. He will grow up knowing that I love him and wanted him. He will grow up knowing he is adopted and why I choose adoption.

Visit's- lots of pictures

When I placed we talked about letter frequency and pictures. We didn't discuss visits. After finalization I asked If I could have a visit. Originally I wanted to see my son and the couple. I was having a hard time though and thought it would be too hard to see my son. I ended up just seeing the couple. We got together on October 8, 2004. We met at brick oven. My sister came with me. It was a great visit. They showed me video of the past few months. We talked a lot. The food was great. company was great. I'm so glad they were willing to have a visit. We decided to have another visit right before buddy's first birthday. We got together on February 19, 2005. We met at the mall in Kiddie Kandids. We took pictures and then visited and played while we waited for our pictures to be ready. After pictures we went to my parents for dinner, cake and ice cream and visiting. My whole family was there. Buddy let everyone hold him and play with him. We took lots of pictures. I showed the couple my scrapbook. It helped me to see how they were as a family. They wanted to wait to have another visit till he was old enough to play at a park. We had the visit in a park in Draper, Utah. My mom, sister, and dad came with me. We met on my dad's birthday August 7, 2006. M&A had one of their nieces with them and her mom. It was fun to see buddy play with his cousin. I got to go down the slide with buddy and watch him play. It was a lot of fun. We didn't discuss any other visits after this time. I didn't see them again until my wedding April 4, 2008. I was so glad they could come to my wedding. My whole family was so excited to see them. buddy played with my nephew Owen most the time. I thought it was so cute they played together as they are bio cousins. I don't know when I will see them again as I don't live in the same state anymore. I am grateful for their willingness to have an open adoption. I love the visits I have had.

Grieving to celebrating

Everyone grieves after a loss, Everyone does in a different way but, there are similarities too. I was never really angry except once i snapped at my sister. I also remember being mad at God. I have also felt jealous, happy, sad and other things. Some feelings will come and go though. I have a hand out that my caseworker gave me on stages of grief in loss. You may not have all of them and you may not have them in this order.
Shock - described like an unreal feeling. being spacey or foggy.
2: Denial - you know what happened but on a deeper level you don't want to believe it.
3: Anger- recognize most of your anger is part of grief and try not to go off on someone.
4: Guilt and Bargaining: You may torture yourself for awhile with "if only's." Feelings of guilt and regret over your decision are common.
5: Depression- When the numbness wears off and you can no longer deny your loss, your raging has quieted down and you've anguished through all of your if onlys, experiencing all the pain and tears. You may feel listless, tired, not hungry, have sleep disturbances, feel uninterested and hopeless.
6: Acceptance- Now you were gain energy and interest. you will remember your baby but it will be less painful and there will be warm memories that bring a smile. sorrow doesn't last forever love does.
I remember having a hard time on each 1 month birthday. The hardest for me was the first 6 weeks. The reason those were the hardest is not only are you dealing with the loss of the baby but also post pregnancy pain, milk, bleeding. I felt "empty arms" a lot at first. Something that helped me was sleeping with the white tiger that the couple gave me. Another thing that helped me sleep was listening to soft music. Talking helped me a lot and getting out there and doing stuff. It was hard for me to go to activities at first. I remember going to a church activity and there were a ton of people yet I felt so alone. I was depressed. I missed my baby. I wanted to be alone and cry. I ended up leaving early.
These are some things that were also on my hand out. Getting on with your life:
Private time- plan private time to be alone with yourself. Think and reflect on what happened and who has been involved.
Cry- crying helps get out the sad and mad.
Social Time- Plan for shared time with trusted others. Talking it out is a key factor for grief work. find a trusted friend or family member to be your sounding board.
Busy Time- take action, do something and be productive.
Take Care of yourself- Eat a balanced diet, sleep enough and begin exercising.
Write- If you are inclined to write keep a journal. record your thoughts and feelings. It will serve as a realise. write lists of goal planning.
Help others- It helps to help others and think of others.
Ask for help- tell others what you need and when you need it.
Be patient with yourself- It's okay to be inconsistent in going through the stages and to have normal set backs. be prepared for your emotions and get stronger around Christmas, Mother's Day, your baby's first birthday and any special days. Plan on activity's or a special treat to help you through the hard days. I have been told the first year is the hardest because their are so many "firsts" I agree with this.
Some things that helped me when I was grieving is scrap booking, writing in a journal, talking to family and friends, listening to music, holding my white tiger, crying. I think I cried every day for two weeks. I remember laying in bed talking to my sister about the special memories in the hospital. In the beginning stages people would say "time heals" I hated that at the time but it is so true. The grief wasn't as bad as time went on. Now i don't grieve I celebrate his life, how it changed me and the gift I was able to give to help a couple become a family. Things I do to celebrate. On his birthday I try to go out to dinner, I always write in my journal on "decision day" October 8Th. Times that are hard sometimes still are his birthday, Christmas/holidays, decision day. How I get through that is looking at my scrapbooks, watching video from hospital, writing my feelings down and talking to my family. The adoptive couple also helped me a lot. They would send me letters of love and support. One letter they wrote some of the words to the hymn "Be Still my Soul." It helped me a lot. It is now my favorite hymn. Another hard time is finalization and sealing. I didn't have to go to finalization. I had mixed feelings. I was happy for them. I was sad for me he was no longer "mine." he didn't have my last name anymore. The sealing I was happy about. I wanted him to have an eternal family. I'm not sad anymore. I love buddy. I miss him and think of him often. I know he has great parents and I'm so happy that he's happy. I gave him more. I am in a better place because of my decision. Life does go on. I will never forget buddy and the special times we have. Life will get better and easier. Just give it time. It really does help heal. grieving is important to move on but remember to celebrate. Remember that this decision was made out of love. It was selfish. Celebrate the child's life and how it changed you, that's what helps me the most.

Support System

I think it is very important that you have a support system. I don't know how I would have gotten through the adoption/pregnancy without my family and friends. My sister and mom were my best support. When I found out I was pregnant I moved in with my sister Heidi for help. She went to every doctor appointment with me, group, and therapy. She was my coach during labor. She was my angel to me. I will never be able to repay her for her love she gave me during the hardest time of my life. My mom was so strong. She placed a baby girl when she was 16. I was worried how she would handle me placing and if the family would force me adopt like my mom was. My family was told upfront that this is my decision. I am grateful that I didn't have pressure from them just love and support. My family had a hard time with me placing since I was so set on single parenting in the beginning. I had every one's support except my brother Eric. Later on in the adoption he opened up. My family always asks me if i have new pictures or letter or an email. I didn't tell my extended family till the very end of my pregnancy but they were all supportive of my decision. I had a few friends that helped me out too. My friend Dan was awesome. When I went on bed rest he gave me books to read, crosswords etc. He also gave me tulips that I had in the hospital.

Placement

I was in a lot of physical pain from delivery since my medicine wasn't working and I couldn't take any until i signed my rights away. I signed at LDS Family services. I only had my caseworker and the notary in their with me. I didn't want my family to go through that and I let them have time with "buddy." I got teary eyed. I wish I would have him with me when I signed. I also never really had "alone time" where I got to tell him I love him and why I choose adoption. I have expressed it a lot in letters. I wish I would have had alone time with him though. I placed on February
29, 2004. The placement was from 7-9pm, which is a lot longer than normal. I had more time because of how many family members came to placement. My mom, Dad, Brother and his wife, and sister all were there with me. Plus I had my caseworker, they had a caseworker and I think their were two interns. It was a big group. I also wanted to feed him and change him one last time before I gave him to M&A. I had to change him on my lap and it was very difficult. M&A are a very sweet couple and I know they will be great parents. They gave me a white tiger(which is my favorite animal), necklace and Josh Groban CD. They also sent me the huge flower bouquet to the hospital. They gave my mom and sister a flower too. M&A were very patient at waiting for me to hand them Spencer. I had a hard time letting go. I held him for a long time and stroked his sweet cheeks. I don't remember a lot of what we talked about. I know i told them about the delivery. My family asked them some questions. They talked about their family. We took tons of pictures. My whole family cried. M&A are very sensitive and let me hold him one last time before I left. I felt the spirit during placement and think that "buddy" was so calm because of the spirit being there. When we left my sister and I heard him cry. I felt so sad. Later I found out that M&A were changing his diaper and that's why he cried. I have a testimony of the adoption process and know that the Lords hands were in the process. I know with out a doubt that this is the best thing for my baby and that he is in good hands. I received conformation that they were the couple that "Buddy" should go to. I have grown so much. Even though this has been hard I don't regret it. I am grateful for this experience. I have gained a testimony of adoption and become closer to my family through this process. I have matured a lot and know that this experience has changed my life and made me want to be a better person