Decision day

Yesterday marks 7 years since my decision to place my precious baby boy for adoption. I was 20 weeks along. I had just recently found out that I was having a boy. I announced to my family the gender of the baby and the decision I was making at the same time. My mom and sister surprised me with red roses and a white flower representing the baby.
I've changed a lot over these years. I have learned a lot about many kinds of love, forgiveness, my strength, the atonement, gospel, family. I'm not sure I would have learned and grown the way I have without going through the adoption process. I still know I did the right thing for my baby and me at the time and with the circumstances I was in.
I still have an open adoption and I'm grateful for that. I get letters and pictures yearly and occasional visits. Our last visit was in march. We also talk on the phone sometimes and email.
Some other ways adoption has touched my life this year is I met a new birth mom friend. Her name is Jeni and she placed a year ago. She lives near me and we have met. I'm going to her house today to celebrate her daughters first birthday. I have met a lot of amazing women who placed their baby or adoptive families online that I wouldn't have if i wasn't touched by adoption. This year I also attended a family supporting adoption activity where we made blankets for birth moms and their babies. I also have helped my brother and his wife start the process to adopt. They are going to adopt through LDS social services. I helped them with their letter and have answered lots of questions. I am so excited for them to add to their family through adoption.
My husband was very sweet and took me to dinner and a movie last night. We went to chili's. I tried asking him about favorite memories with Spencer but he's only met him twice. We talked about our last visit with him in march. We saw the movie "Life as we know it." I liked the movie. I laughed and cried. I think I cried more because I was already emotional with the anniversary of decision day. The movie was about two single people whose friends died and they are trying to raise their friends baby together.
I miss my son. I will always love him and keep him dear to my heart. I know that he is happy and healthy. He has a great life and great parents. I know I made the right decision. I miss my sister Heidi as we always talked about "memories" with Spencer. She was there for everything during my pregnancy and several years after placing. She was such a huge support to me. I don't know that I could have done it with out her. My mom was also a huge support to me and my whole family. Now I have a wonderful husband who loves me and supports me. I am so grateful for him.
My husband and I were just recently sealed in the temple. This was a huge goal for me. It was a wonderful spiritual day. I thought of Spencer often the day I went through the temple.

reflecting

I have been thinking about the past and how much has changed in the last 7 years. The first pictures of me are at Provo Temple shortly after I found out I was pregnant. I took my first pictures there as a goal to get to the temple some day. The next set of pictures are of me at Mt. Timpanogos temple about 4 weeks after placement. I was "Looking toward the future." The last picture is of Spencer getting sealed to his parents. This day was hard for me but also a huge blessing and answer to prayers. It was very important to me that my son be sealed to an eternal family. I was unable to give this to Spencer at the time. I am so happy that he has loving parents that lead him in the gospel.

I had feared since I was in my late teens early 20's if I would be able to go to the temple because of bad decisions I had made. When I had an unplanned pregnancy that changed me. I knew I needed to change the way I was living. I wanted to be worthy of the temple. I wanted to be able to tell Spencer when he was older that he helped me to want to change and I hope that he is proud of me and glad I am his birth mom.

I went through the repentance process with my singles ward bishop in 2006. It was a hard road but so worth it. I could feel the Atonement in my life. I felt His love and His forgiveness and I was able to forgive myself for my mistakes. I took a Temple prep class in my church to prepare to get my endowment. I prayed about it and felt I would be getting married soon and I should wait. I met my husband just months after I received this answer in April 2007. I married my husband civilly in April 2008. My husband is a convert and was not very active at the time.

My husband and I had missionaries come to our home and teach us all the lessons. We took Temple Prep in 2009 and were not ready. We took it a 2nd time together in spring 2010. My husband received the full priesthood in June 2010. We have grown so much together in this process. I have felt an urgency to get to the temple. I had finished 3 temple prep classes. We will be both getting our endowment and sealed on September 18, 2010. I feel so blessed. We have had such amazing love and support from our ward, family and friends. I am excited to become a forever family with my husband. It is a dream come true that I was not sure would happen. I know the Lord loves us and is aware of us and when the timing is right. It may not always be on our time but it is the correct time.

One thing I find very neat is that I will be sealed to my husband in the same month Spencer was sealed to his parents only 6 years later. They were sealed on September 24, 2004.

Birth Mother's Day

I just wanted to wish a Happy Birth Mother's Day to all my birth mom friends. I love you all. I'm grateful for your friendship, love and being able to share stories with you. We are a unique sisterhood connected by the love of our child. I hope you all have a great weekend and were able to do something for yourself to celebrate the amazing thing you did because we are all truly amazing and brave.

Visiting Spencer

I had a visit with my son Friday 19Th. We went to dinner at the Mayan. Spencer really enjoyed the show. They have divers, fire dancer etc. Spencer was shy at first but then opened up to me. I gave him an Easter present, a book and candy. Dinner wasn't that great but the visit was good. I hadn't seen them for 2 years. He's a lot bigger. He's doing great in school and is a good reader. He read part of the card I gave him. After dinner we went to a quiet table and talked. Spencer told me about the pictures they gave me for the last year. He gave me a hug and sat on my lap. He even said my name. He's so smart and cute. We had a great visit. I'm so glad to have an open adoption.

Happy Birthday Spencer!

Happy Birthday to my sweet Spencer! Today my little boy is 6. I miss him. I love him so much. I think of him often. I'm so glad I have an open adoption and I'm able to receive pictures, letters, and have visits. He is so special to me. He changed my life so much. I am the woman I am today because of him. I'm in a better place. I feel so blessed to have him as my birth son and that the Lord entrusted him to me for a little while. I'm grateful to Mike and Audrey for their love and openness. I hope that they have a fun birthday party for him. I will be celebrating at Olive Garden tonight. I love you Spencer! Happy Birthday!

God Found us You book

I bought this book for Spencer's birthday. I like it a lot more than "The Tummy Mummy." that I got him for Christmas. I liked the foxes and that the baby fox was asking more of the story. I cried reading this in the store. I love the book and what is said about the birth mother.

guest blogger

I am a guest blogger again on a new adoption blog that promotes openness. I am the first guest blogger and am so excited. Check it out!
http://openadoptionmatters.blogspot.com/

spotlight

I am the weekly spotlight on this other blog. check it out!
http://becauseadoptionmatters.blogspot.com/2010/02/weekly-spotlight-jennilee.html

greatest thing eternal family

As you can tell from my previous post I've been having a hard time. I had doubts. I have been emotional. I have cried, missed my son. I wondered if I should have parented or would have if I had done more research in my options. I tried talking to my husband about my feelings the other night. His cuddles and words would not comfort me. He said I made the right decision. He told me the choice has been made. I can't go back and that I just need to be happy. I tried talking to my sister who went through everything with me. She told me to remember decision day and how I felt. To remember praying about my choice. Her words did not comfort me either. I was talking to a friend and something he said struck me. I finally feel at peace again. I know I made the right decision again. I know I made the choice. I wasn't forced. I did what was best for my son. One of the biggest reasons I chose adoption is I wanted him to have a father, but that wasn't the most important part of my decision. I wanted him to have an eternal family. That was the most important thing. This is what my friend said that struck me.


friend: you will get sealed. I know it. and then when you guys have children, you will have already given them the greatest thing you possibly can.
me: gosh now I'm crying.

friend: why

me:because I've always wanted to go to the temple. I placed Spencer so he could have an eternal family and now hopefully soon I will be able to have that for myself and future children.

friend:you will

me: I think that's what I needed to hear to make me feel better again about my choice... good about it again like I almost always have been.

And so after a week of being hurt, empty, confused and doubting the simple words of a friend "You will have already given them the greatest thing you possibly can." (eternal family) I feel peace and comfort in my decision. I gave Spencer the best gift I possibly could an eternal family.

Thoughts

There has been a lot going on in the adoption online community lately that has me thinking about things. There were some blog wars between birth moms who had different views. One group is more anti-adoption and feel they were forced to place and the other group feels they made the choice. Both voices need to be heard. I think that both parties can learn from each other and support one another. I had always heard about bad adoption stories and anti-adoption but I had never read any of the blogs or stories till this last week. My heart goes out to these women who feel they were forced, cohered, manipulated into placing their child. I wish them the best and hope they will find peace and comfort.

I have always felt that I made the choice to place my son for adoption. I did what I felt was best for him. I wanted him to have a loving father and mother. I wanted him to have an eternal family he could be sealed to. I wanted him to have a stable life where everything he needed would be taken care of: food, clothes, love, shelter. I know I could have single parented but that I would have been on government assistance. I don't know if I would have gone to school. I'm sure I wouldn't have married my husband as he told me he would not have dated someone who was raising a kid. I have been asking myself what if questions since reading the "anti-adoption blogs" like what if I would have parented? Would I have still gone in the medical field? Would I have been able to provide for my sons needs? How would my life be different if I had kept my son? I don't know and I will never know. The decision has been made and can't be changed. I know that my son is happy, healthy and loved. I am happy for the life that he has. I know that I couldn't have given him what he has.

I have been having a hard time this week. I keep thinking about how if someone is married nothing is questioned about if they should raise their child but if you are single people start suggesting alternatives. I wonder if I was really cohered in my decision now. I know my family didn't because they were for me parenting but support me in placing my son. I wonder more about the agency i went through. I wanted to single parent at first. I wanted to research my options. I was given a "Think it over doll." I was given a bunch of questions to answer to find if i had support, money, means of parenting. Married couples don't have to go through this they just get to raise their child if they are ready or not if they are financially stable or not no questions asked. I don't really think anyone is ever ready to raise a child. You just have to do what you can. I guess I'm just hurt and upset. I wish I would have done more research of my resources. I'm not saying I would change my decision. I did what I felt was best at the time.

I saw this quote on an adoption blog I follow and it helped a lot. Especially after all the fighting back in forth on birth my blogs.
"Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss
We need to stand up for what we believe in and how we feel. Each has a voice that needs to be heard.

About 3 months ago one of my cousins lost their 4 month old son to SIDS. This loss has really effected me and so many in my family. My cousins have shown so much courage and strength through this trial. They have a strong testimony of the church and being able to be with their son again some day. They just recently found out they are having a baby. At first I thought this was too soon. I worried for the couple as they are still grieving. I hear often of losing a child to adoption compared to losing a child to death. I at first did not like this analogy because I have an open adoption. I get to have letters, pictures and sometimes visits. I do understand more now that the grief and loss is very much the same. I feel for my cousin. I understand some of their pain and loss. I pray for them. This is a quote from their blog that really touched me and I feel the same way.
"we have truly begun moving forward with our lives. Not moving on, but forward. Because losing a child isn't something you get over, but something you get through. It is one of those defining moments that will forever shape who we are and who we will become." from cousin Jeffrey and Kelli's blog
I am not the same person I was before I placed my precious son. He changed my life, my decision changed my life. I want to stay happy about my choice but this week has been hard. This week I've felt doubt and loss, hurt and anger and confusion. I don't want to doubt my decision when I have been so solid in it. That is how I feel in the moment. Maybe this is a new stage of grieving of healing.... The end of next month marks 6 years and it's always hard around this time. I miss my son. I think of him often. I love him so much. I hope that he knows what I did was what I felt was best for him, not me. I don't want him to feel abandoned. I wanted him. I still do.

I have been "baby hungry" on and off since getting married. I know now is not the right time because I don't have a job, health problems etc. I remember feeling the need to have a child in my arms after placing. I felt empty arms for a long time. I know that is something my cousin feel after the loss of their son. I understand now that it is a blessing that they will have a child again so soon after. I understand the fears of loving a new child again when you are still grieving for another. I have fears and doubts myself about raising a child because of my loss. They are two separate beings though and I know that love grows. They will be able to love their new child and I'm sure I will be able to love my future children too. I often get jealous when I hear of family members getting pregnant. I want to be a mom so bad. I don't want to be jealous of them when it is such a blessing and miracle to my family.

This Christmas I was in Utah with my family. My brother Andy has a 7 month old daughter. I played with her a lot while I was there. She is such a doll. It is hard for me sometimes to be around young children under the age of 1. It reminds me of what I am missing in raising my son. I missed all his firsts. I kept teasing my brother and his wife that I was going to take her back with me. One night my brother said "You wouldn't last one night with a baby." I said: "yes I would I have." he replied: "yeah only two nights." I don't know if he realized how much those words hurt me. I left the room and cried. I may have only had a short time with my son but that doesn't not change my love for him. How much I miss him and that I know how to take care of a child.

Those are my thoughts and feelings of the last few weeks.