As you can tell from my previous post I've been having a hard time. I had doubts. I have been emotional. I have cried, missed my son. I wondered if I should have parented or would have if I had done more research in my options. I tried talking to my husband about my feelings the other night. His cuddles and words would not comfort me. He said I made the right decision. He told me the choice has been made. I can't go back and that I just need to be happy. I tried talking to my sister who went through everything with me. She told me to remember decision day and how I felt. To remember praying about my choice. Her words did not comfort me either. I was talking to a friend and something he said struck me. I finally feel at peace again. I know I made the right decision again. I know I made the choice. I wasn't forced. I did what was best for my son. One of the biggest reasons I chose adoption is I wanted him to have a father, but that wasn't the most important part of my decision. I wanted him to have an eternal family. That was the most important thing. This is what my friend said that struck me.
friend: you will get sealed. I know it. and then when you guys have children, you will have already given them the greatest thing you possibly can.
me: gosh now I'm crying.
friend: why
me:because I've always wanted to go to the temple. I placed Spencer so he could have an eternal family and now hopefully soon I will be able to have that for myself and future children.
friend:you will
me: I think that's what I needed to hear to make me feel better again about my choice... good about it again like I almost always have been.
And so after a week of being hurt, empty, confused and doubting the simple words of a friend "You will have already given them the greatest thing you possibly can." (eternal family) I feel peace and comfort in my decision. I gave Spencer the best gift I possibly could an eternal family.
Your words are beautiful. As you can imagine, eternal family is so very important to us. Giving your son the opportunity to be a part of an eternal family, even though it caused you pain and suffering, that is the most pure and beautiful gift I can imagine.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you and your husband will be able to go through the temple soon. And I would very much like to be there, because I know how important it is to you and I will understand all the happiness it brings you.
How happy I am to know that you are more to me than my husband's cousin. You are my sister in the gospel! And you are my companion on the road of grief. How dear you have become to my heart, despite the distance between us. Thank you for reaching out to me.
My darling daughter, I know your pain. I have gone through those same doubts and the need to rethink my decision. I have wondered after I married your dad and had an eternal marriage if I should have kept my daughter and waited for time to make everything alright. I realized that if I kept her I still would have met your dad and he still would have married me... but it would have been at the sacrifice of his mission... and then I knew I did the right thing because we all needed him to go through that experience with the spiritual growth he gained and we have all benefited from. I wasn't given the opportunity to make my own decision in the way you were. I always felt that I had no choice. But I have had the mercy of the Lord reassuring me time and time again that I did the right thing for my daughter who is now someone else’s and for the family I have for eternity.
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