The Tummy Mummy

I bought this book for my son for Christmas. I loved the illustration it's so pretty. It's a very simple book telling of the birth moms journey of picking a family. I recommend it for a child.

birth mom baskets

This birth mom is amazing! After I placed I was given a basket that a birth mom made. She donates to help birth moms pamper them self. I also love the poem she wrote "my little butterfly" if you can please donate to the baskets. it's a great way to help birth moms.
http://birthmotherbaskets.blogspot.com/

Gifts

Some adoptive parents ask when it's appropriate to send gifts to the birth mom and what is too much. Some ask what is appropriate for sending gifts to their birth child. I think it's a personal choice and depends on how open the couple and birth mom are. I think that the first meeting is fine to give a gift, birthdays, holidays like mother's days, placement etc.
My personal experience is I love everything no matter how small it was. For my first meeting I was given a rose, picture album and gift certificate to a salon. Part of this was for my birthday since we met a day before my birthday and I had already chosen the couple. I think flowers are always good and same with a picture album since with an open adoption the couple will be sending pictures. I was given a nice flower bouquet and balloon from the couple that was sent to the hospital. During placement they gave me a white tiger since it's my favorite animal, Josh Groban CD, and a personally made necklace. For mother's day they gave me a butterfly wind chime. I was also given two stuffed animals that looked like the dogs they own this was not for any occasion but it was a nice gift. I love animals. What I hold the most dear is not really a gift. Audrey let me hold Spencer one last time at placement. I also had a lot of love and support in my letters and visits.
Gifts that I gave is a poem and picture for Mother's day. A book for Father's day. I sent Easter candy for the couple and a stuffed lamb for Spencer. This was all the first year. I send Spencer a present for Christmas ever year and for his birthday. I also sent a celestial mobile the first year. I think that it's fine to send something for Christmas and birthday. I don't send the couple things anymore but we always write an email to each other for mother's day, Christmas etc.

then, now, future

5+ years later, looking back, looking forward, who i am, who i thought i would be, how has being a birth mom paved my life path?

I became pregnant the summer of 2003. I was 20 years old. I was not living the life I should have been. At the time I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I was originally going to single parent but as I researched and my love for my baby grew I felt the best thing for him was to place him for adoption so that he could have both a mom and a dad.

I placed my baby boy 5 1/2 years ago. My life has been so blessed by open adoption. I love my son. I still miss him and think of him often. I am not sad though. I don't regret my decision. I know I did what was best for my baby. I still have contact with letters and pictures sometimes an email. I celebrate my sons life and how it has changed my life. I am in a better place today because of my experience.

The journey was definitely bitter sweet. It was very hard the first year with not only recovering from the physical aspect of pregnancy/delivery but also emotional from the loss and grief of placing a child. I would not change my decision if I had to go back. I am in a better place because of it. My son is happy, healthy and well taken care of. Time truly does heal. I wouldn't say it's moving on because I still have contact, but the hurt is not there anymore.

I am now married to a wonderful man. The couple and my son were able to be at my reception. I don't have any children with my husband yet, but I look forward to being a mom. I know that my experience will make me a better mom. I understand what unconditional love is and what a child needs more than I did before. I plan to tell my future children about my birth son. I do worry some how I will handle pregnancy/delivery and raises a child after placement.


I know my life would be totally different had I single parented. I don't think I would have married my husband. Dating would have been a lot harder. I use to think "what ifs?" now I don't. I don't know that I would have grown from my experience as much. It's hard to think how my life would be different had I chosen another path. Being a birth mom I have gained an extended family with the couple. I have made friends with other woman who have been in my place. I understand the love my mom has for me and the sacrifice she was forced to make when she was 16 and placed. I know that my adoption story helped my mom.

I feel my adoption story has changed my life. It is not the whole part of me, but it has shaped me to the woman I am today. I grew a lot through the process, matured, learned, gained a testimony of adoption and a better testimony of my church. It brought me closer to my family. I would not be the woman I am today with out my experience.

butterfly thought

Audrey gave me a butterfly wind chime for my first mother's day. I love butterflies since their is so much meaning. they are beautiful etc. This is what she wrote to me and I love this thought. "A butterfly doesn't start out a beautiful butterfly. It is first a cute caterpillar, and then it has to go through quite a changing process both in the cocoon and the struggle of breaking free of the cocoon, before it become a beautiful butterfly. The most important event for the butterfly is the challenge and struggle it faces while breaking free of it's cocoon. if someone helps it and breaks the cocoon open for it, it's wings won't develop and it will die. If it gives up, and doesn't break free of the cocoon, it will die." I also like the thought that you can't catch a butterfly you must let it come to you. It needs to spread it's wings and fly.

The child's perspective

Another assignment that helped me a lot was called the child's perspective. We were to write a letter to "parent, birth mom" of how the child may feel. It was very therapeutic for me and helped me to think of the babies needs more than my own. My sister and mom also wrote some so I will share each letter.

wrote on 7-29-03 I wrote this one,
Dear birth mother,
I am excited at the chance to gain a body and come to this earth. I know you are having a hard time with this, but I am glad you are being brave and going through this for me. I want you to think what is best for me. I'm sure you'll be a loving mother and could take care of me. I need a father in my life though and good finances so that I can be clothed and fed. This is a hard decision, but you need to think about whats best for me. Can you handle the emotions of having me around all the time? I need constant care and love. I need a family that loves me, protects me and takes care of me. Don 't forget about my feelings in your decision making. You are the one that is in control and you need to do whats best for me.
Love, unborn baby

Letter from baby to birth mom: my sister wrote this one.
God would not have allowed me to come down from heaven to be with you even for a short time without a plan for you and I. Thank you for allowing me to grow inside you. I know this is a struggle for you, but you will grow from this too. I hope that you will talk to our Heavenly Father and to your true self often in choosing whether to keep me as your own child or sending me to an eternal family. I don't want you to keep me if I'll be a constant reminder of a mistake in your life. I want to be remembered and treated with love. If part of your forgiveness to yourself and God requires me to be "let go" I hope you will do so with no regrets and that you will know that you have placed me with my eternal family, and that you will feel peace in your heart knowing you've followed Gods plan for me.

This one was written by my mom.
Dear Parent,
I am preparing for my birth and excited that my time on earth is at hand. I am anxious to meet the family I will have for eternity. It has been such a long wait, but what a wonderful time to be coming to earth. I'm not sure I would have liked being a pioneer. Even with all the modern things that can make life easier, come of my most basic needs remain the same. 1- I need to be loved. It isn't enough that you love me. I have to be able to perceive that love. 2- There are of course my physical needs. (and I'll bet we'll both be surprised at how demanding those are, and how expensive. You more than me, cause I will let you worry about that for me.) 3- Please don't forget my spiritual needs. As anxious as I am to come to you, it is of utmost importance that I learn how to get back to my Heavenly Father. I know you want that too so we can be together as an eternal family. I am putting my trust in you. I know you will have problems, but I know we can make it together.
Love eternally, your child

Dated 1/20/2004 written by me
Dear Jennilee,
I know you have thought about me a lot and what you would do. I want you to know that your decision to place is the best thing for me. I know you still love me and care for me. I'm excited to meet you in a few weeks. I know you've been struggling emotionally but everything will be okay. I'm very active in your tummy and you have taken good care of me. I feel close to you and know you feel a bond with me. I'm excited to meet my parents and I know I won't forget about you and the love you have for me. I will treasure the letters and pictures that you send and gifts. Thank you for taking good care of me while I grow inside you. Thank you for thinking about me and doing what was best for me even though it is hard. I love you.
Love, Jaden (what I called my baby)

My sister wrote this one:
Dear Jennilee,
I can't wait to finally meet the mother who's been talking to me and pushing at me for nearly 9 months now in a few weeks! I am so excited to see your face and to be held in your arms. I know your excited for my arrival now, but anxious and full of emotions too. I am thankful for your decision to place me with a mommy and a daddy, a family for eternity despite how hard this is for you. I will hold onto the few days we have together, as I know those days will be most precious for you and me. I'm sorry for the loss I know you'll feel, but also know of the excitement my parents having too after waiting so long for me. Thank you for being in tune to the spirit and following the Lord despite the difficulties. Thank you for all the love you have already shown me. Thank you for the Dance. Follow your dreams. keep in touch always.
your son, Jaden

7/20/2004 written by me:
Dear birth mommy-
I want to thank you for doing what was best for me. I love Mike and Audrey very much. They take great care of me. I am happy and know I am loved. I still love you too and miss you. Thank you for taking such good care of me while I grew inside your tummy and the time we had in the hospital. I know you are still struggling but stick in there. You are very brave. I can't wait for the day when we can reunite. I treasure the time we had together. I am forever a part of you. thank you for loving me enough to let me go so that I could have a better life. May God bring peace to you in your hard times and confirm to you over again you made the right choice for me.
Love Always, Spencer

written by my sister:
Dear Jennilee-
I want to thank you for placing me with a father and a mother who can care for me. During the day I get to play with mom. We go for walks on the nice sunny days. I usually take a nap in the stroller while mom gets to exercise. I've been enjoying many new sights, colors and toys lately and have been becoming stronger and bigger ever day. Dad is so proud to have me as his son. Every day he comes home he says where's my boy and picks me up high. Some days I even get to go with him and mom to work. Someday when I'm older I may even get to help him plant all the colorful Flowers. Remember when we went swimming when I was in your tummy? I enjoyed it then, and enjoy it even more now. I love the water it is so relaxing. I even got to visit with my cousins. I love having so many family members around showing me all their love and attention. Thank you for placing me with such a great family. In a month I get to be sealed to them for time and all eternity. I get to feel close to our Heavenly Father again. Whom I left only a few months ago. I want you to know that our Heavenly Father loves you and is proud of the decision you made of entrusting me in Mike and Audrey's care. I hope He continues to give you peace and comfort and that you will feel that from Him. I hope you are able to achieve all that you want to and that your struggles won't be to great. Know that I love you and thank you everyday for placing me in a righteous loving home.
Your son,
Spencer

01/18/2005 written by me:
Dear birth mom,
I am excited to see you again next month and show you how much I have grown and the milestones I have accomplished. I am so thankful to you for loving me enough to let me go and give me more. Mom and Dad are great parents and we have a lot of fun. I love when daddy reads to me. I love to take showers/ or baths and splash in the water. I love being in the outdoors and feeling the sun on me. I have fun plowing with daddy. I spend most my time playing with mommy. She is really fun and makes me laugh. I have had a lot of fun this past year with all sorts of new experiences and vacations I've already been camping, boating, four wheeling, swimming, and much more. I am crawling now and able to explore new things. I am so happy to be able to have a mommy and daddy and be an eternal family with them. I have a big family that loves me very much. I enjoy spending time with my cousins my age and playing with them. I am a very happy boy. I am so grateful to the sacrifices you have made for me and the love you show me. Thanks for following the spirit. I love you.
Your son,
Spencer

Written by my sister:
Dear Jennilee,
Wow it's amazing all that has happened in the last year and the 9 months before that too! It seems like yesterday that I was dancing in your tummy to Jon Schmidt at the concert, to dancing with my adopted mom, to singing with the Mormon Tabernacle choir at conference, to playing the piano recently with mom. Isn't music great! I'm so thankful you blessed me with that and placed me with parents who continue to strengthen my talents and love with joyful noise! I am so grateful for your decision to place me with loving parents. I know there have been times you have really struggled and I am without enough words to describe my gratitude for relying on the Lord and trusting Him. Heavenly Father loves you. You have grown so much from this experience. I love you Jennilee. I am so grateful to you. I am so grateful for the family I have been entrusted to. I am thankful for your love of celestial themes and lambs and the spiritual significance and reminder they are to me. I am thankful for the time We've had together and the roots you placed in me that have been able to start blossoming with mom and dad. I am so thankful for having a father and being his best buddy. I love you. We will meet again soon.
your friend and son,
Spencer
(edited this letter as it was too personal and spiritual to share.)

Lessons I've Learned

This was an assignment from group. I did this a few times through my pregnancy/adoption therapy. This is a combined list of what I learned through the process:
The Lord loved me as much as my child.
Pregnancy is not the sin.
Shows who real friends are.
The children are a blessing.
Eternal Prospective
Lord gives us commandments to bless and protect us.
I have to do the work, The Lord will meet me halfway- He won't do it all for me.
Prayer- lean more on the Lord.
with God I can do anything.
trust myself.
Test of Faith
Will never take kids for granted.
Mother's love is unconditional and comes suddenly.
Want to be a stay at home mom.
priorities
self sacrifice
putting child first
gratitude
without sorrow wouldn't know joy.
power of the advisory
faith in the Lord
stronger testimony of prayer
personal Revelation
how to care for a baby
how much my family loves and supports me.
set goals
be more responsible
forgiveness
grieving takes time
love myself
I'm stronger than I realize.
true pain.
certain things are suppose to happen
hard things make me grow and mature
I can make right decisions.
Adoption touches many hearts.
I can ask for help.
The Lord doesn't give you trials you can't overcome.

sensitive areas:

The following can be sensitive areas for birth parents.
child birthday, special songs that remind you of your pregnancy or child, TV, radio shows, books or newspaper articles about adoption pregnancy or loss, pregnancies of friends, coworkers or relatives, others discussing pregnancy, birth, adoption or children, being around babies or children, baby showers, visiting a new mother in the hospital, meeting a child of the same age as yours or with the same name, the birth of the next child in extended family, making decisions about having a future child, making decision in other areas of your life, future pregnancies and deliveries, other losses, family events or special occasions.

I know for me birthdays can be hard for me sometimes but I try to celebrate his life. I miss him more on special days like his birthday. There are many songs that touch birth parents. Some help me others make me cry and sad. I know I had a hard time hearing when someone was pregnant and talking about their pregnancy/delivery. being around babies at first was hard for me but now I love being around kids. Many of these I have felt and had to deal with. I had a friend pass away months after placement and it brought back the loss of placing. It is important to be aware of "triggers" and how to handle them. Each person is different in handling grief.

The following can be difficult questions or statements to deal with:

do you have any children?
you don't have any children so how would you know?
are you going to have children?
why don't you have any children?
Don't you like children?
Don't you want to have any children?
you'll know what it's like when you have children of your own.

Everyone needs to be more sensitive to others. They don't know what you have been through. These questions are hard to answer even if you aren't a birth parent.

Poem: On the wings of a Prayer

ON THE WINGS OF A PRAYER

I set you free on the wings of a prayer
To fly through life in His tender care,

You're free from the nest and the ties that are bound
Free from the pressures I carry around.

If I kept you I'd only be cutting your wings,
Not offering the chance a true family brings.

The decision I've made has my heart torn in two,
But I know what I'm doing is the best thing for you.

The sky is so vast, the mountains so high
Take wing and remember: I love you.

Goodbye.

--LISA BOTE-PHILLIPS, a birth mother

I love this poem. I actually have it in my scrapbook. I put it at the end of my placement pictures.

adoption myths

Adoption Myths

Most birth mothers who place their babies for adoption are teenagers.

Most birth mothers who choose adoption are in their early twenties, although women of all ages make this decision.

Birth parents who place their babies for adoption are abandoning their responsibility and taking the “easy way out.”

There is no easy way out of unplanned pregnancy; any option involves emotional pain. Most birth mothers who do not choose abortion make the choice initially to parent their babies. Those who choose adoption do so after taking some time to carefully consider their options and the best interests of their child. Adoption is a courageous, loving choice which shows that the birth mother takes seriously the responsibility to be a parent.

An adoptive parent cannot love a child as much as a biological parent can.

Love is not based on biology. Many loving relationships are between individuals who are not related to each other, such as husbands and wives. The love of a parent comes from preparing for a child and selflessly nurturing and caring for that child.

A birth mother can reclaim her child after adoption.

Once a birth mother’s rights have been terminated, she cannot reclaim her child. Cases of birth parents obtaining custody after adoption are extremely rare and are exaggerated by the media.

After a child has been placed, a birth mother cannot have any contact with the child.

Adoption practices have changed over the years. Today most birth mothers have some contact with their children. Arrangements are agreed upon by the birth mother and the adoptive parents and are based upon the needs and desires of all concerned.

Children who were adopted are more likely to have physical or emotional challenges.

It is impossible to predict how any child will turn out, whether biological or adopted. Generally, children who were adopted as infants are as emotionally healthy as children who were not adopted. Children who were adopted when older may have challenges resulting from adverse conditions in their early lives, such as neglect, abuse, or lack of attachment. These challenges do not result from the adoption itself.

Birth mothers never recover from the emotional pain of placing a child for adoption.

Birth mothers who choose adoption go through a grieving process, which is a healthy way of dealing with loss. But most birth mothers also report finding peace in the knowledge that they did all in their power to provide the best life possible for their child. They find that the experience gives them the strength and confidence to face other challenges throughout their lives.

adoption statistics

Adoption is forever! Adoption is a lifelong commitment and unification of two families.

Statistics*
The majority of Americans are personally affected by adoption.
6 in 10 Americans have had personal experience with adoption.

37.5% of adoptions are done through private agencies.

Only 2% of unmarried women choose to place their child for adoption.
Only 1% of teen pregnancies result in adoption placements.

Adoptive Parents
Adoption is not the 2nd best! It is a loving way to build a family.

Adoption is permanent, and you are the parents.

Your child will have the benefit of two sets of parents.

Birthparents
Pregnancy is the earliest stage of parenting.
You are a parent to your son or daughter.

Adoption is a parenting plan.
Your choice of adoption was made as a parent;
a parent wants only what is best for their child.

Choosing adoption is an act made by a parent out of love. No decision takes more strength, love, or courage than planning for the future of your child.



Adoptees
An adoptees feeling of adoption is only a reflection of those around them.

Adoptees do feel different, even if they never say so.

Adoption is not too confusing for a child to understand.

National adoption month!

November is national adoption month. The R house has challenged to write a blog every day. I will try but since I have done so many posts in the last few days I'm not sure if I'll be able to.
Happy adoption month!

my adoption video

I made this video for a contest on adoption voices. I had to change the music because of copyright to win. I used my brother's piano music on the one that won. This is the original video though. I won first place for my video. I was shocked. I hope my story helps others.

poem: The Legacy of a Child in an Open Adoption

The Legacy of a Child in an Open Adoption

By Brenda Romanchick

Once there were two expectant mothers.
One carried and cared for you beneath her beating heart
She became your Birthmother.
The other carried the hope of you within her.
She became your Mom.
As the days passed, and you grew bigger and stronger,
Your Birthmother knew that she could not give you all you needed after
your birth.
Meanwhile, your Mom was ready and waiting for you.

One day your Birthmom and your Mom found each other.

They looked into each other’s eyes and saw a friend.
Your Birthmom saw the life your Mom could give you.
Your Mom saw how much your Birthmom loved and cared for you.

They decided that what you needed was both kinds of love in your life.

So now you have two families,
One by birth, the other by adoption.

And you have a home where you can get:
your questions answered,
your boo boos bandaged,
your heartaches soothed,
And much needed hugs.

And a place where you can find:
answers to your questions,
your image in the mirror,
a part of yourself,
And much needed hugs.

Two different kinds of families
Two different kinds of love
Both a part of you.

© Copyright 1999 Brenda Romanchik

Poem

Once there were two women who never knew each other.
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love. The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.

One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me, through your tears,
the age-old question unanswered through the years.
Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling. Neither. Just two different kinds of Love.



© Author Unknown

Childs name:

Some birth moms will have a name for the baby or just a cute nick name they call the baby while they are pregnant. I called my baby Jaden. I didn't think I would be able to name him once I made an adoption plan. I never asked and the couple told me they had a name. They choose his first name after a president of the church and his middle name after the adoptive father. I like his name and it feels right for him.

Poem: My little butterfly

My Little Butterfly

You were finally here,
My little butterfly,
You were place in my arms,
And I couldn’t help but cry.
You were so precious, so beautiful.
Your hands so tiny,
Your eyes so bright,
You were finally here,
And I knew it would be hard
To say goodbye.
I cried for you at night.
How could I let my
Little butterfly go?
Then I thought of the new world
You will see.
Of the loving parents that will
Take care of thee.
And I felt Peace.
You were finally here,
My little butterfly.
And no matter how hard it is,
I must say goodbye.
So, open your wings
And don’t be afraid to fly.
Fly away to a new life.
Where opportunities are
At every door.
And my love around every corner
You were finally here,
My little butterfly.
But, quickly you left
To live your new life.
You’ll always be in my heart.
Your memory in my every thought.
Those tiny hands,
And bright eyes.
I will forever love you.
My little Butterfly.

Shei Crott

This is one of my favorite poems. I was given this poem after placing. I love butterflies and I really liked how this was written.

poem: My Dearest little boy

My Dearest Little Boy
You are only six months old growing inside my womb.
You love to kick your feet at my tummy.
Excited and ready to dance to the music we hear.
You are so active and strong. I know you will be a big boy someday.

I am only 20 years old, without a husband to be your dad, and
Without the resources I’d need to give you everything you would need.
I love you buddy with all my heard, as a child of my own.
Yet all of my unconditional love is not enough.

You need to have a family who can provide a home, food and clothes.
You need to be reared in a home where a mother
Will always be there when ever you need her nurturing hand.
You need to have a father who can be an example to you
Of honoring the priesthood and respecting his wife,
So that you may do the same when you have a family of your own.
You need both a mommy and a daddy.

You need to know of Christ’s love for you
And the knowledge of His gospel plan
You need to be sealed to an eternal family who
Can teach of Christ’s great atoning sacrifice.

So I’ve decided to give you to a couple
Who could not have children of their own.
A couple who can now be an eternal family
Once you enter their arms.

It pains me to go to stores and see clothes,
Toys and baby room decorations
And wishing that I could purchase them
For you and keep you as my own.

I think of all the pain in my heart I’ll have
In watching you grow up in pictures and letters;
I wish I could be there for your first words and your first steps,
Your first game of baseball, skiing, your first date, and
When you become a husband and a father of your own.

So, I pray the Lord will sooth my soul with peace;
And I pray the Lord will guide me in
Choosing the family the Lord has planned
For you to be their son.

As I know that God has a great plan for you-
That you are being sent here to earth
To enrich two families lives
Mine and your adoptive parents.
You are blessed to know of two
Mother’s unconditional love for you.

I love you my dearest little boy,
With all my heart and soul
And I will pray for you everyday
To have that knowledge.

Hugs and kisses
Your birth mother Jennilee
December 2, 2003
Written by Heidi, my sister
Dedicated to Jennilee and her son.

This poem was written for me by my sister. I was struggling with my decision of adoption and how to choose a couple. This was just a couple weeks before I choose my couple.

poem: Remember

REMEMBER
Whenever I hear a baby cry,
My heart reaches out in love for you,
As I remember the days I had with you.

I remember the sweet innocent look in your eyes,
So fresh from God, full of tenderness and love,
Reaching my soul through your eyes to mine.

I remember your sweet baby smell,
The embrace of your tiny hands on my finger,
My hand caressing your cheek,
Rubbing your chest and soothing you to sleep.
I loved lying awake in the wee hours of the morning
Listening to your little noises, your breathes and your coos.

I remember your tender chin quivers as you cried,
Whenever your diaper was being changed.
I remember you falling asleep every time we burped you,
Or when we washed your hair.

I remember your fists in your mouth
And your tongue moving in and out of your sweet pursy lips
Letting me know of your hunger.
Oh, how I ache, in missing the closeness I felt with you
Suckling on my breast and knowing
All your needs were being met by your mother.

I will remember most of all, the love
And quiet special times we had together.
I was so proud when I first saw your face
And I am in heaven with you in my arms.

I will always remember you.
I love you with all my heart

@Jennilee and Heidi
March 19, 2004
Dedicated to my birth son

This poem was written for my birth son. we wrote it at 3 weeks old. We decided to write it since my sister and I would always talk about the hospital time and what we remembered.

Poem: Two Mother's to Love Him

Two Mother’s to Love Him

There was a young girl with child.
She loved him very much,
Even while he grew inside her tummy.
She wanted more for her son then she could give him.
So she prayed to the Lord above,
“God please send me an Angel to care for my son
For my love for this child is not enough.”

Not far away there was a woman.
Hoping and praying to have a child of her own.
She began losing hope of ever being blessed to be somebody’s mother.
Finally, the woman received a precious gift from God.
Telling her a young girl was entrusting her son in her tender care.

The day had arrived, a blustery winter day.
The birth of her precious son
She had never been so happy in her life
When she first saw her son
She felt so much love for him
And did not know how she could let him go.

The two women came together.
It was time, for the woman’s dreams to come true
The young girls heart broke
As she placed her loving child into her arms.
She kissed her son one last time
And said goodbye.

Two separate women shaped to make him one
One gave him life
The other teaches him how to live it.
For their little boy is a part of both of them.

We now have a special bond
Mother to mother
For we share a child one with each other
How much each one has meant to the other
By becoming his mother.

The beautiful boy is blessed
Not with only one mothers love but two
These two women are eternally bonded by motherhood.
And the love they share for their son.

With love, Jennilee
@ April 29, 2004
Dedicated to adoptive mom.

I wrote this poem as a Mother's Day gift for the adoptive mom. This is how I felt at the time. I know feel more like sisters. It's hard to explain the bond between a birth mom and adoptive mom. We will always have a connection though. I love the couple and miss them too. They are like extended family to me. My son will always be a part of me. I'm his first mom. the adoptive mom is his real mom. He knows her as mom not me. they call me by my first name not as birth mom.

Open adoption vs Closed

What is Open adoption? There are many forms of open adoption. It is a lasting relationship with the couple and your child through visits, e-mails, letters, gifts and pictures.

What is Semi-open adoption? The birth mom and couple agree to have correspondence through letters, pictures and sometimes gifts.

What is Closed adoption? There is no contact after the adoption. This is not very common now but was years ago. You can still choose closed adoption if you want.

When I first decided to place I just went with what the agency had available for openness. For the first 6 months (until finalization) the agency would read all letters to make sure that we didn't give confidential information. After finalization the birth mom and couple could decide if they wanted to exchange last names, address, numbers and we could start to email then. We could also decide how often to write and if visits would be allowed. At placement we had agreed to write weekly for the first 6 months. then we went to every other week, once a month, every 3 months, every 6 months and yearly. I don't like yearly since so much can happen in a year. We have had a few visits which I am grateful for. I am also grateful for how often they were willing to write. The letters really helped me when I was struggling. We already knew each others last names, we started to email every once in awhile. We now correspond to each others address since I moved out of state. My caseworker said to me that I had one of the most open adoptions at the time I placed. Now I know they are a lot more open. The adoption is not retroactive though. I am so glad I have an open adoption. It has helped me a lot in the grieving process. I never have to worry where my son is, if he's okay. I know what he looks like and what he's doing. I know that he has great parents. He won't ever have to wonder why I placed him, what I looked like etc. He will grow up knowing that I love him and wanted him. He will grow up knowing he is adopted and why I choose adoption.

Visit's- lots of pictures

When I placed we talked about letter frequency and pictures. We didn't discuss visits. After finalization I asked If I could have a visit. Originally I wanted to see my son and the couple. I was having a hard time though and thought it would be too hard to see my son. I ended up just seeing the couple. We got together on October 8, 2004. We met at brick oven. My sister came with me. It was a great visit. They showed me video of the past few months. We talked a lot. The food was great. company was great. I'm so glad they were willing to have a visit. We decided to have another visit right before buddy's first birthday. We got together on February 19, 2005. We met at the mall in Kiddie Kandids. We took pictures and then visited and played while we waited for our pictures to be ready. After pictures we went to my parents for dinner, cake and ice cream and visiting. My whole family was there. Buddy let everyone hold him and play with him. We took lots of pictures. I showed the couple my scrapbook. It helped me to see how they were as a family. They wanted to wait to have another visit till he was old enough to play at a park. We had the visit in a park in Draper, Utah. My mom, sister, and dad came with me. We met on my dad's birthday August 7, 2006. M&A had one of their nieces with them and her mom. It was fun to see buddy play with his cousin. I got to go down the slide with buddy and watch him play. It was a lot of fun. We didn't discuss any other visits after this time. I didn't see them again until my wedding April 4, 2008. I was so glad they could come to my wedding. My whole family was so excited to see them. buddy played with my nephew Owen most the time. I thought it was so cute they played together as they are bio cousins. I don't know when I will see them again as I don't live in the same state anymore. I am grateful for their willingness to have an open adoption. I love the visits I have had.

Grieving to celebrating

Everyone grieves after a loss, Everyone does in a different way but, there are similarities too. I was never really angry except once i snapped at my sister. I also remember being mad at God. I have also felt jealous, happy, sad and other things. Some feelings will come and go though. I have a hand out that my caseworker gave me on stages of grief in loss. You may not have all of them and you may not have them in this order.
Shock - described like an unreal feeling. being spacey or foggy.
2: Denial - you know what happened but on a deeper level you don't want to believe it.
3: Anger- recognize most of your anger is part of grief and try not to go off on someone.
4: Guilt and Bargaining: You may torture yourself for awhile with "if only's." Feelings of guilt and regret over your decision are common.
5: Depression- When the numbness wears off and you can no longer deny your loss, your raging has quieted down and you've anguished through all of your if onlys, experiencing all the pain and tears. You may feel listless, tired, not hungry, have sleep disturbances, feel uninterested and hopeless.
6: Acceptance- Now you were gain energy and interest. you will remember your baby but it will be less painful and there will be warm memories that bring a smile. sorrow doesn't last forever love does.
I remember having a hard time on each 1 month birthday. The hardest for me was the first 6 weeks. The reason those were the hardest is not only are you dealing with the loss of the baby but also post pregnancy pain, milk, bleeding. I felt "empty arms" a lot at first. Something that helped me was sleeping with the white tiger that the couple gave me. Another thing that helped me sleep was listening to soft music. Talking helped me a lot and getting out there and doing stuff. It was hard for me to go to activities at first. I remember going to a church activity and there were a ton of people yet I felt so alone. I was depressed. I missed my baby. I wanted to be alone and cry. I ended up leaving early.
These are some things that were also on my hand out. Getting on with your life:
Private time- plan private time to be alone with yourself. Think and reflect on what happened and who has been involved.
Cry- crying helps get out the sad and mad.
Social Time- Plan for shared time with trusted others. Talking it out is a key factor for grief work. find a trusted friend or family member to be your sounding board.
Busy Time- take action, do something and be productive.
Take Care of yourself- Eat a balanced diet, sleep enough and begin exercising.
Write- If you are inclined to write keep a journal. record your thoughts and feelings. It will serve as a realise. write lists of goal planning.
Help others- It helps to help others and think of others.
Ask for help- tell others what you need and when you need it.
Be patient with yourself- It's okay to be inconsistent in going through the stages and to have normal set backs. be prepared for your emotions and get stronger around Christmas, Mother's Day, your baby's first birthday and any special days. Plan on activity's or a special treat to help you through the hard days. I have been told the first year is the hardest because their are so many "firsts" I agree with this.
Some things that helped me when I was grieving is scrap booking, writing in a journal, talking to family and friends, listening to music, holding my white tiger, crying. I think I cried every day for two weeks. I remember laying in bed talking to my sister about the special memories in the hospital. In the beginning stages people would say "time heals" I hated that at the time but it is so true. The grief wasn't as bad as time went on. Now i don't grieve I celebrate his life, how it changed me and the gift I was able to give to help a couple become a family. Things I do to celebrate. On his birthday I try to go out to dinner, I always write in my journal on "decision day" October 8Th. Times that are hard sometimes still are his birthday, Christmas/holidays, decision day. How I get through that is looking at my scrapbooks, watching video from hospital, writing my feelings down and talking to my family. The adoptive couple also helped me a lot. They would send me letters of love and support. One letter they wrote some of the words to the hymn "Be Still my Soul." It helped me a lot. It is now my favorite hymn. Another hard time is finalization and sealing. I didn't have to go to finalization. I had mixed feelings. I was happy for them. I was sad for me he was no longer "mine." he didn't have my last name anymore. The sealing I was happy about. I wanted him to have an eternal family. I'm not sad anymore. I love buddy. I miss him and think of him often. I know he has great parents and I'm so happy that he's happy. I gave him more. I am in a better place because of my decision. Life does go on. I will never forget buddy and the special times we have. Life will get better and easier. Just give it time. It really does help heal. grieving is important to move on but remember to celebrate. Remember that this decision was made out of love. It was selfish. Celebrate the child's life and how it changed you, that's what helps me the most.

Support System

I think it is very important that you have a support system. I don't know how I would have gotten through the adoption/pregnancy without my family and friends. My sister and mom were my best support. When I found out I was pregnant I moved in with my sister Heidi for help. She went to every doctor appointment with me, group, and therapy. She was my coach during labor. She was my angel to me. I will never be able to repay her for her love she gave me during the hardest time of my life. My mom was so strong. She placed a baby girl when she was 16. I was worried how she would handle me placing and if the family would force me adopt like my mom was. My family was told upfront that this is my decision. I am grateful that I didn't have pressure from them just love and support. My family had a hard time with me placing since I was so set on single parenting in the beginning. I had every one's support except my brother Eric. Later on in the adoption he opened up. My family always asks me if i have new pictures or letter or an email. I didn't tell my extended family till the very end of my pregnancy but they were all supportive of my decision. I had a few friends that helped me out too. My friend Dan was awesome. When I went on bed rest he gave me books to read, crosswords etc. He also gave me tulips that I had in the hospital.

Placement

I was in a lot of physical pain from delivery since my medicine wasn't working and I couldn't take any until i signed my rights away. I signed at LDS Family services. I only had my caseworker and the notary in their with me. I didn't want my family to go through that and I let them have time with "buddy." I got teary eyed. I wish I would have him with me when I signed. I also never really had "alone time" where I got to tell him I love him and why I choose adoption. I have expressed it a lot in letters. I wish I would have had alone time with him though. I placed on February
29, 2004. The placement was from 7-9pm, which is a lot longer than normal. I had more time because of how many family members came to placement. My mom, Dad, Brother and his wife, and sister all were there with me. Plus I had my caseworker, they had a caseworker and I think their were two interns. It was a big group. I also wanted to feed him and change him one last time before I gave him to M&A. I had to change him on my lap and it was very difficult. M&A are a very sweet couple and I know they will be great parents. They gave me a white tiger(which is my favorite animal), necklace and Josh Groban CD. They also sent me the huge flower bouquet to the hospital. They gave my mom and sister a flower too. M&A were very patient at waiting for me to hand them Spencer. I had a hard time letting go. I held him for a long time and stroked his sweet cheeks. I don't remember a lot of what we talked about. I know i told them about the delivery. My family asked them some questions. They talked about their family. We took tons of pictures. My whole family cried. M&A are very sensitive and let me hold him one last time before I left. I felt the spirit during placement and think that "buddy" was so calm because of the spirit being there. When we left my sister and I heard him cry. I felt so sad. Later I found out that M&A were changing his diaper and that's why he cried. I have a testimony of the adoption process and know that the Lords hands were in the process. I know with out a doubt that this is the best thing for my baby and that he is in good hands. I received conformation that they were the couple that "Buddy" should go to. I have grown so much. Even though this has been hard I don't regret it. I am grateful for this experience. I have gained a testimony of adoption and become closer to my family through this process. I have matured a lot and know that this experience has changed my life and made me want to be a better person