Hospital Time-lots of pictures

I really enjoyed the time in the hospital I had with buddy. He is sweet, beautiful baby boy. I only had my parents and siblings come to visit me because I only had the hospital time with him and didn't want a lot of visitors. Buddy made really cute coos and didn't cry very loud. He had a little chin quiver when he cried, which was so cute! I loved listening to his little noises. I am grateful that my brother let me borrow his camcorder to be able to always have his noises. I tried to nurse him at first but was having problems. One of my nurses discouraged me so i started bottle feeding. I helped with his first bath. He loved having his hair washed. I held him, enjoyed his sweet smell, fed him and changed him. I only changed him a couple times. My mom, dad, sister, brother and his wife all came to visit and were able to have time with him. One night I sang a lullaby. It was hard sleeping. I wanted as much time as possible. I didn't have the adoptive family come to the hospital at all as I wanted it to be my time. I also didn't want to sign my papers in the hospital. I wanted all my memories to be good there not sad. I was fine till the last day I was there and realized how soon placement would be. I will always cherish the time I had with him in the hospital. After I left the hospital I went to Kiddie Kandids for pictures.

Labor and Delivery

I was having some complications at the end of my pregnancy with mild toxemia and was on pins and needles wondering when I would be induced. I had been put on bed rest for the last month of my pregnancy. I had high blood pressure, low amniotic fluid and mild toxemia. Every appointment I was told you could be induced based on this test result. I was scheduled to be induced on the February 26, 2004 but the hospital didn't have room so I was bumped to the 27Th. I went to the Hospital at 7:30am and was put in a check room till a room became available. The IV and pitosin started at10:04. When I was first checked my dilation was 3+ 80% effaced, which was the same from my last visit to the doctor. I switched rooms at 10:30. I was having back labor so I was able to go into the jacuzzi bath for about 20 minutes. It felt so good. My sister also gave me massages. Things were not that painful at first so I was playing phase 10, listening to music and visiting with my sister and mom. Things moved pretty slowly so my doctor came in and broke my water at 3:35pm. They wanted to break the water earlier but I was scared and didn't want them too. After my water was broken things moved along quickly and the doctor and nurses were surprised. I got my epidural 30 minutes after my water was broken. The Epidural was the hardest part for me, but I'm really glad I got it. 6:00 they checked and I was completely dilated and effaced. The nurse said that most first time moms push for 1-2hrs. They told me to do a couple practice pushes. The first time I pushed I was already crowning and they had to have the doctor come in quickly. I pushed for 15 min. I only pushed 3 times. The cord was wrapped around "buddy's" neck a little bit. They had to get him out quickly so they used a vacuum. I tore a little bit. He was born at 6:15pm. He weighed 8lbs 14oz and was 21in long. I wasn't sure how much he weighed at first since the nurses kept guessing his weight. It was so neat to see him come out! The first apgar test at 1 minute was an 8 for coloring and the second at 5 minutes was a 9. While the nurses were checking Spencer one of them got squirted. I thought that was funny. Luckily I never was squirted. My sister Heidi was an amazing coach. I only had my mom and sister in with me during delivery. I was so happy when I first saw him. He was so beautiful! My doctor was telling me not to push during the placenta delivery and I wasn't even paying attention to him. I was just staring at my baby. I was so happy. I can't even express the emotions of seeing your baby for the first time. It is truly precious and a miracle.

first meeting- face to face.

I was so excited and nervous to meet M&A. We met on January 27, 2004. We hugged each other. They were so sweet and gave me a scrapbook, rose, card and gift certificate. We had a very good visit. I talked about my pregnancy, some complications, cravings, music interests, why i choose adoption, why I choose them. the couple told me about their family, They had already picked a name and I liked it. It was a great visit. it was natural and easy to talk to them. My mom and sister were with me. I knew even more after meeting M&A that this was the right decision for me and my baby.

Announcing to the couple

I decided to write them a letter explaining why I choose them and a little about me. I sent with it a card, bear and blanket. I like celestial stuff which is why I picked the blanket. The day I choose the couple was exactly two years from when they filed. I announced on Jan 6, 2004.

choosing the couple

How does one choose parents for their child? This was a hard decision. There are so many great couples wanting to adopt. I filled out a matching sheet of what I was looking for. My caseworker pulled 11 files for me to look at. I looked at all of the collages of pictures. I read all the letters. When looking at the pictures one couple stood out to me the most. I felt I knew them but i didn't. I kept looking at the picture. My case worker even kept asking if I knew them. I was able to narrow it down to 3. My sister liked one, my mom liked one and I liked one. I wrote a pros and con list for the top 3 couples. I went back to my caseworker to ask if one couple had animals and they did. I also wanted to know if one of the ladies would be a stay at home mom. I was told that she had just decided that after placement she would be a stay at home mom. I knew that M&A were meant to be buddy's parents. I liked their letter. We had a lot in common. They were a cute couple. I could tell they loved each other. They had two dogs which I liked and he would have a lot of cousins to play with. They didn't have any children and had been married 11 years waiting to adopt for 2.

why I choose adoption

I love my son. I wanted what was best for him. I felt that my love was not enough. He needed more than I could give him at the time. I wanted him to have a father and a mother. A couple that loved each other and could be a forever family in the temple. I could not be sealed to my son with where I was in my life. I knew that I would be working and in school. If i had single parented he would have been in day care a lot. I didn't want that. I wanted to raise him and I couldn't in my situation. I didn't have a good paying job. I could barely support myself let alone a child. I was already getting WIC, Food stamps and medicaid during my pregnancy and knew I would still need government help if I had single parented. Love was not enough. my main reason i placed is I wanted him to have a family. He needed a dad, not just a mother. I gave him more then I could give him by adoption.

Options

I find out I'm pregnant now what are my options? I decided to go to LDS Family Services. I made an appointment with my caseworker Sandy. I already knew that I wouldn't abort from the beginning. I couldn't get married. I wanted to single parent but I wasn't sure yet if that was the best option. I started going to groups with other girls that were in my same situation. I continued to see Sandy on a regular basis. My mom and sister always came with me as support. Sandy gave me different assignments to help me make a decision. One of them was "The Think it over doll" She weighed about the same as a baby. she made noises like coos. She would cry for "care time" which would act as time for feedings, changing, or just needing held. It helped me to see how much attention and love a baby needs. I decided to do this assignment because I am the youngest in my family and hadn't done hardly any babysitting. Even though she was only a doll it helped me to see I already had motherly instincts. Sandy also gave me an assignment to see what support systems I had if I single parented. who could help with babysitting, money etc. I also looked how much diapers cost, clothes, dare care, basic baby essentials. This was very helpful to me especially to see what kind of support and help I would have if I single parented. My family couldn't help much financially but would help babysit. Even after doing these assignments I still wanted to single parent. I would get defensive when other's would suggest adoption. I loved my baby, I wanted him and didn't want to watch him "grow up in pictures."
I still wasn't sure what to do. I kept going to group and hearing other's stories. It was so helpful to be able to talk to other girls in the same situation. I prayed a lot about what I should do but wasn't getting an answer. I started leaning more towards adoption. One of my friends said to me, "You won't get an answer to your prayers until you make a solid decision." I decided that I would place my baby on October 8, 2003. I prayed about it and it felt like the right decision for me and my baby.