greatest thing eternal family

As you can tell from my previous post I've been having a hard time. I had doubts. I have been emotional. I have cried, missed my son. I wondered if I should have parented or would have if I had done more research in my options. I tried talking to my husband about my feelings the other night. His cuddles and words would not comfort me. He said I made the right decision. He told me the choice has been made. I can't go back and that I just need to be happy. I tried talking to my sister who went through everything with me. She told me to remember decision day and how I felt. To remember praying about my choice. Her words did not comfort me either. I was talking to a friend and something he said struck me. I finally feel at peace again. I know I made the right decision again. I know I made the choice. I wasn't forced. I did what was best for my son. One of the biggest reasons I chose adoption is I wanted him to have a father, but that wasn't the most important part of my decision. I wanted him to have an eternal family. That was the most important thing. This is what my friend said that struck me.


friend: you will get sealed. I know it. and then when you guys have children, you will have already given them the greatest thing you possibly can.
me: gosh now I'm crying.

friend: why

me:because I've always wanted to go to the temple. I placed Spencer so he could have an eternal family and now hopefully soon I will be able to have that for myself and future children.

friend:you will

me: I think that's what I needed to hear to make me feel better again about my choice... good about it again like I almost always have been.

And so after a week of being hurt, empty, confused and doubting the simple words of a friend "You will have already given them the greatest thing you possibly can." (eternal family) I feel peace and comfort in my decision. I gave Spencer the best gift I possibly could an eternal family.

Thoughts

There has been a lot going on in the adoption online community lately that has me thinking about things. There were some blog wars between birth moms who had different views. One group is more anti-adoption and feel they were forced to place and the other group feels they made the choice. Both voices need to be heard. I think that both parties can learn from each other and support one another. I had always heard about bad adoption stories and anti-adoption but I had never read any of the blogs or stories till this last week. My heart goes out to these women who feel they were forced, cohered, manipulated into placing their child. I wish them the best and hope they will find peace and comfort.

I have always felt that I made the choice to place my son for adoption. I did what I felt was best for him. I wanted him to have a loving father and mother. I wanted him to have an eternal family he could be sealed to. I wanted him to have a stable life where everything he needed would be taken care of: food, clothes, love, shelter. I know I could have single parented but that I would have been on government assistance. I don't know if I would have gone to school. I'm sure I wouldn't have married my husband as he told me he would not have dated someone who was raising a kid. I have been asking myself what if questions since reading the "anti-adoption blogs" like what if I would have parented? Would I have still gone in the medical field? Would I have been able to provide for my sons needs? How would my life be different if I had kept my son? I don't know and I will never know. The decision has been made and can't be changed. I know that my son is happy, healthy and loved. I am happy for the life that he has. I know that I couldn't have given him what he has.

I have been having a hard time this week. I keep thinking about how if someone is married nothing is questioned about if they should raise their child but if you are single people start suggesting alternatives. I wonder if I was really cohered in my decision now. I know my family didn't because they were for me parenting but support me in placing my son. I wonder more about the agency i went through. I wanted to single parent at first. I wanted to research my options. I was given a "Think it over doll." I was given a bunch of questions to answer to find if i had support, money, means of parenting. Married couples don't have to go through this they just get to raise their child if they are ready or not if they are financially stable or not no questions asked. I don't really think anyone is ever ready to raise a child. You just have to do what you can. I guess I'm just hurt and upset. I wish I would have done more research of my resources. I'm not saying I would change my decision. I did what I felt was best at the time.

I saw this quote on an adoption blog I follow and it helped a lot. Especially after all the fighting back in forth on birth my blogs.
"Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss
We need to stand up for what we believe in and how we feel. Each has a voice that needs to be heard.

About 3 months ago one of my cousins lost their 4 month old son to SIDS. This loss has really effected me and so many in my family. My cousins have shown so much courage and strength through this trial. They have a strong testimony of the church and being able to be with their son again some day. They just recently found out they are having a baby. At first I thought this was too soon. I worried for the couple as they are still grieving. I hear often of losing a child to adoption compared to losing a child to death. I at first did not like this analogy because I have an open adoption. I get to have letters, pictures and sometimes visits. I do understand more now that the grief and loss is very much the same. I feel for my cousin. I understand some of their pain and loss. I pray for them. This is a quote from their blog that really touched me and I feel the same way.
"we have truly begun moving forward with our lives. Not moving on, but forward. Because losing a child isn't something you get over, but something you get through. It is one of those defining moments that will forever shape who we are and who we will become." from cousin Jeffrey and Kelli's blog
I am not the same person I was before I placed my precious son. He changed my life, my decision changed my life. I want to stay happy about my choice but this week has been hard. This week I've felt doubt and loss, hurt and anger and confusion. I don't want to doubt my decision when I have been so solid in it. That is how I feel in the moment. Maybe this is a new stage of grieving of healing.... The end of next month marks 6 years and it's always hard around this time. I miss my son. I think of him often. I love him so much. I hope that he knows what I did was what I felt was best for him, not me. I don't want him to feel abandoned. I wanted him. I still do.

I have been "baby hungry" on and off since getting married. I know now is not the right time because I don't have a job, health problems etc. I remember feeling the need to have a child in my arms after placing. I felt empty arms for a long time. I know that is something my cousin feel after the loss of their son. I understand now that it is a blessing that they will have a child again so soon after. I understand the fears of loving a new child again when you are still grieving for another. I have fears and doubts myself about raising a child because of my loss. They are two separate beings though and I know that love grows. They will be able to love their new child and I'm sure I will be able to love my future children too. I often get jealous when I hear of family members getting pregnant. I want to be a mom so bad. I don't want to be jealous of them when it is such a blessing and miracle to my family.

This Christmas I was in Utah with my family. My brother Andy has a 7 month old daughter. I played with her a lot while I was there. She is such a doll. It is hard for me sometimes to be around young children under the age of 1. It reminds me of what I am missing in raising my son. I missed all his firsts. I kept teasing my brother and his wife that I was going to take her back with me. One night my brother said "You wouldn't last one night with a baby." I said: "yes I would I have." he replied: "yeah only two nights." I don't know if he realized how much those words hurt me. I left the room and cried. I may have only had a short time with my son but that doesn't not change my love for him. How much I miss him and that I know how to take care of a child.

Those are my thoughts and feelings of the last few weeks.

The Tummy Mummy

I bought this book for my son for Christmas. I loved the illustration it's so pretty. It's a very simple book telling of the birth moms journey of picking a family. I recommend it for a child.

birth mom baskets

This birth mom is amazing! After I placed I was given a basket that a birth mom made. She donates to help birth moms pamper them self. I also love the poem she wrote "my little butterfly" if you can please donate to the baskets. it's a great way to help birth moms.
http://birthmotherbaskets.blogspot.com/

Gifts

Some adoptive parents ask when it's appropriate to send gifts to the birth mom and what is too much. Some ask what is appropriate for sending gifts to their birth child. I think it's a personal choice and depends on how open the couple and birth mom are. I think that the first meeting is fine to give a gift, birthdays, holidays like mother's days, placement etc.
My personal experience is I love everything no matter how small it was. For my first meeting I was given a rose, picture album and gift certificate to a salon. Part of this was for my birthday since we met a day before my birthday and I had already chosen the couple. I think flowers are always good and same with a picture album since with an open adoption the couple will be sending pictures. I was given a nice flower bouquet and balloon from the couple that was sent to the hospital. During placement they gave me a white tiger since it's my favorite animal, Josh Groban CD, and a personally made necklace. For mother's day they gave me a butterfly wind chime. I was also given two stuffed animals that looked like the dogs they own this was not for any occasion but it was a nice gift. I love animals. What I hold the most dear is not really a gift. Audrey let me hold Spencer one last time at placement. I also had a lot of love and support in my letters and visits.
Gifts that I gave is a poem and picture for Mother's day. A book for Father's day. I sent Easter candy for the couple and a stuffed lamb for Spencer. This was all the first year. I send Spencer a present for Christmas ever year and for his birthday. I also sent a celestial mobile the first year. I think that it's fine to send something for Christmas and birthday. I don't send the couple things anymore but we always write an email to each other for mother's day, Christmas etc.

then, now, future

5+ years later, looking back, looking forward, who i am, who i thought i would be, how has being a birth mom paved my life path?

I became pregnant the summer of 2003. I was 20 years old. I was not living the life I should have been. At the time I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I was originally going to single parent but as I researched and my love for my baby grew I felt the best thing for him was to place him for adoption so that he could have both a mom and a dad.

I placed my baby boy 5 1/2 years ago. My life has been so blessed by open adoption. I love my son. I still miss him and think of him often. I am not sad though. I don't regret my decision. I know I did what was best for my baby. I still have contact with letters and pictures sometimes an email. I celebrate my sons life and how it has changed my life. I am in a better place today because of my experience.

The journey was definitely bitter sweet. It was very hard the first year with not only recovering from the physical aspect of pregnancy/delivery but also emotional from the loss and grief of placing a child. I would not change my decision if I had to go back. I am in a better place because of it. My son is happy, healthy and well taken care of. Time truly does heal. I wouldn't say it's moving on because I still have contact, but the hurt is not there anymore.

I am now married to a wonderful man. The couple and my son were able to be at my reception. I don't have any children with my husband yet, but I look forward to being a mom. I know that my experience will make me a better mom. I understand what unconditional love is and what a child needs more than I did before. I plan to tell my future children about my birth son. I do worry some how I will handle pregnancy/delivery and raises a child after placement.


I know my life would be totally different had I single parented. I don't think I would have married my husband. Dating would have been a lot harder. I use to think "what ifs?" now I don't. I don't know that I would have grown from my experience as much. It's hard to think how my life would be different had I chosen another path. Being a birth mom I have gained an extended family with the couple. I have made friends with other woman who have been in my place. I understand the love my mom has for me and the sacrifice she was forced to make when she was 16 and placed. I know that my adoption story helped my mom.

I feel my adoption story has changed my life. It is not the whole part of me, but it has shaped me to the woman I am today. I grew a lot through the process, matured, learned, gained a testimony of adoption and a better testimony of my church. It brought me closer to my family. I would not be the woman I am today with out my experience.

butterfly thought

Audrey gave me a butterfly wind chime for my first mother's day. I love butterflies since their is so much meaning. they are beautiful etc. This is what she wrote to me and I love this thought. "A butterfly doesn't start out a beautiful butterfly. It is first a cute caterpillar, and then it has to go through quite a changing process both in the cocoon and the struggle of breaking free of the cocoon, before it become a beautiful butterfly. The most important event for the butterfly is the challenge and struggle it faces while breaking free of it's cocoon. if someone helps it and breaks the cocoon open for it, it's wings won't develop and it will die. If it gives up, and doesn't break free of the cocoon, it will die." I also like the thought that you can't catch a butterfly you must let it come to you. It needs to spread it's wings and fly.